Introduction, burning iceberg/frozen flame

I’m not very good at writing; in fact I suck pretty much at everything. I think of myself as a walking bag of issues. I’m a highly sensitive person, I have borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, I have little bit of OCD and ADD and I often think that I’m bipolar. I understand that everybody goes through some kind of stress in their lives and that other people might have bigger problems than me…honestly I don’t give a fuck, fuck those people! Fuck people who judge ( I do that sometimes too but then I get punished at night by my over thinking habit), fuck people who pretend to be nice, fuck overconfident people, fuck people who are shy, fuck people that like politics, fuck people that are into religion now that I think of it, fuck everybody! Myself included!! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone (maybe I did), so I have extreme mood swings(as you’ve already noticed), sometimes I wanna meet people but most of the times I hate people. It’s probably because of my social anxiety, every time I’m in public I feel like everybody’s staring at me, I always thought it was some teenage stuff and that it would eventually subside but it never truly did, in fact sometimes I feel like it’s gotten worse. Each pair of eyes feels like a burn and I start sweating and panicking and I keep telling myself “oh god why are people staring at me? Is it because I’m overweight? (at a time I was but even after I lost weight I felt the same way) is my hair messed up?” Sometimes I do feel ok when I’m in public, most of the time it’s when I’m drunk or in an extremely good mood, unfortunately both don’t last very long and don’t happen very often and sometimes are mutually exclusive. I feel like I’m the ugliest person in the world, the most weird too but at the same time I realize that I’m just an ordinary guy, nothing special at all. Other times I label myself very special because I’m pathetic and I want that pity but there’s just no one in my world that would fucking understand me so I only have myself, which is just not enough but sometimes can be overwhelming. My biggest fear and my biggest enemy are both- myself. I tend to over think stuff, stuff that other healthy normal people don’t even care about, don’t notice. I like to analyze my day right before going to sleep, every fucking time. Every time before going to sleep my brain’s like “Oh you wanna rest? Fuck that! Let’s go through all the fucked up shit that happened today. The mean stuff people said to you or you said to them.  The stupid awkward situations you put yourself or others to, about how it’s gonna haunt you for a couple of years until you do something more fucked up, which is gonna happen pretty soon by the way. I always feel lonely and sometimes I just wish I had a girlfriend, actually every guy wants that…but then I remember what it’s like for me to be in a relationship with someone. It’s fucking hell, both for me and for the unluckiest girl in the world who agreed to be in a relationship with me. Whenever I’m in a relationship (which is SUPER rare now) I tend to idealize (or even idolize) my partner and I cling very tightly to that person. Thinking she can understand me, support me and just always be there (which is literally ALWAYS) and of course eventually I get disappointed, always. Because I’m a selfish bastard, the very kind of people that I hate. It is part of the curse of having the borderline personality disorder, no one will ever be good enough for you and you’re never gonna be good enough for anyone as well. When people I’m really attached to stop messaging me or talking to me for whatever reasons (busy, not in the mood) I instantly take it the wrong way and think I must have done something terrible, or said something that hurt that, oh god what a pig I am. I’m super paranoid because I’m afraid to be left alone again but the truth is , I always felt alone and will always feel that way. Sometimes it’s good to be alone because I don’t wanna hurt other people and I don’t wanna hurt myself (well not emotionally at least). About hurting myself…whenever I’m in a relationship I get so paranoid, I get confused about what’s real and what’s not but when I hurt myself, it feels real, it even feels good in a twisted, fucked up way. Every time I cut myself a little, I feel alive and real for a second, I also wanna punish myself for what I am, for what I’ve done to others and myself as well. I thought self mutilation is a teenage thing as well but I might get back to it, if I get into a relationship (might not happen very soon though). It’s a truly terrible feeling to look search for love and comfort but at the same time to realize how easily it can be ruined by my paranoia. I just feel like there’s nobody that would able to take the pressure just being with me. Perhaps there are people that love me but I only feel it when I’m with them, when I see them or talk to them but as soon as they’re gone, all the warmth and comfort and positivity disappears as if it never actually existed and I feel alone again. I can’t open up to anyone because everyone will think that I’m looking for an attention (which I am sometimes) or I’m crazy (which I am most of the times). Especially in the place where I live, psychology is not developed at all and mental problems exist in only one kind: “crazy”. Like you’re either normal and healthy or you’re fuckin crazy, like straight jacket crazy. Like there’s nothing in between…which is fucking stupid, kinda like everything and everybody in my world. There are only two kind of people exist in my world, people who love me and people who hate me, there’s like nothing in between. I know and realize how stupid that is but I can’t change it. I can’t open up to anyone, I can’t show my true self to anyone because I know nobody can handle the real me, I get overwhelmed by me every day. There are people whom I have shown my true self but they’re all long gone and not coming back to my life, like ever .But I remember them and think about them every single night. I wish I could take back all the nasty things I’ve said to them, I wish I could explain them that I can’t control my crazy emotions but it’s too late and there’s just no point of regretting anything but I still do it. I like to think of myself as a highly sensitive person. I take things very personally, I often can feel the real mood of the person I talk to, I can feel the mood in a room I walked in to. I can feel when people resent me (though they always smile and try their best not to show it) sometimes I just imagine all this stuff with a great help of my paranoia and confidence issues. I create my own hell every day, roller coasters of pain and stress and let myself ride it for free, all day, every day. Sometimes I accidentally bring a person along for this horrible ride and feel like shit for it after. I hate the fact that it took me a while to realize how mentally troubled I am and that sometimes I have to isolate myself from others to prevent the history repeating itself and lose people that are close to me (very few and probably the last people that are gonna be around me). Sometimes it feels like I can have more fun on my own than in a group of friends or colleagues. Most of the times it feels like hell, because I remind myself of all the terrible things that I have done to others and myself. Whenever I feel abandoned (which is very often and super constant when I’m in a relationship) I get very angry, stressed and depressed with myself and the whole world. There’s just no way to calm down, I’m always on the edge, like I’m possessed or something. Because I realize how pathetic I am and that there’s never gonna be a person who would be there for me. There are people who tried, but it’s just not enough. It’s never enough. I can’t stress enough how small and little mistakes can fuck up my day, even if I’ll be in a really good mood. Whoever coined the phrase ‘it’s the little things” probably suffered from borderline personality disorder or/and was bipolar and a highly sensitive person. At the same time when other people do something good for us (us?) or help us even a little we notice it and don’t forget it and try to help in return. Because kindness and help are ultra rare in our worlds (why is it suddenly so many of ‘us’)? As a highly sensitive person I like music and art a lot. I can’t live without making some music or drawing something. I feel like I must be trying and creating something almost everyday. I feel like my day is wasted if I haven’t done something of that kind. I also appreciate young teenagers who are really good at drawing or playing instruments  I apologize for being so boring and for those who made it THIS far in the text I applause you and I’m very thankful you read this So all of this is just a terrible way of expressing myself, I wanna think that I’m not the only one who’s having so many mental issues. If you feel like me I feel sorry for you, but not in a mocking way. I hope you’ll find your happiness and find a way to deal with everything. When you do please teach me how…