Mr Brightside (or how I forgot about my bpd and then was reminded of it)

So I have a friend (a girl) I’ve known for many years and liked her ever since I saw her for the first time. Unfortunately I was dating another girl at that time (yeah I used to get so much action probably because I was kind of attractive in the past or at least I’d like to think so). So I’ve met her a couple of times and my best friend (not anymore) used to get impressed by her jugs every time, for some reason I didn’t pay attention to that back then (Well I DO NOW, yeah yeah I’m a pig) but I’m the kind of person that wouldn’t cheat on their girlfriend, even if the relationship is not good at all. I was an honest guy, if I would be in a similar situation now I’d definitely try to date as many girls as I possibly can ( call me a pig again, I’m a guy) but that’s just me dreaming. I probably can’t date more than 1 girl at the same time still, for a lot of reasons…let’s leave this pile for a different story.  I broke up with the girl I used to date after a year or so and completely forgot about her and lost all the feelings but my feelings for my friend remained the same. Her name is A. We used to meet every now and then, we still do (unfortunately for me). There was one time when were both single and got a little tipsy and we started hitting on each other which to me was very surprising because at that time I wasn’t in such a great shape (my weight was 120 kg) but I guess the looks never really mattered to her, perhaps she just thought of me as that attractive innocent little boy she met many years ago (though she knows a lot about me). So that very special evening (it is very special to me now but wasn’t then, I know I’m an idiot). We almost kissed, she was hugging me and I felt the urge to reach her lips and kiss them, I also felt my boner rising (a feeling I haven’t had for a long time then and now). I don’t know why but for some reason I wanted to kiss her and didn’t want it at the same time? It could because I know how much of a pain I am in relationships and I didn’t wanna lose her as a friend (I really, really like having her around). Besides we weren’t alone, there was a third guy (*cough* the third wheel). For some reason I can’t really be myself when I’m not alone with her, I’m done trying to figure it out why… Anyways I believe that was my last chance to kiss her and just have her in my arms…because sometime after that, she met another guy and dated him for a year. She would rarely talk to me or sometimes share some of the problems in their relationship. To be honest I didn’t feel jealous or anything but I did feel sad. I know I’m not the person to judge everyone but I just felt like he wasn’t worth her, at all. It probably seemed to her and everybody else who knew about the situation that I was trying to make her break up with him (which I totally wasn’t) Even with the problems they had, she was a lot happier with him than she would be with me (I’m not saying she would date me, that’s just my wishful thinking). Unfortunately (for whom?) They broke up recently and she’s going through that awful break up depression. I try to talk to her more often because I don’t wanna leave her on her own, to be honest we know a lot about each other and at the same time we’re complete strangers, it’s very hard to describe. I’ve been hanging out with her and her best friends, I tried to be closer to her but she kind of didn’t really want me. I’ve been messaging and calling her a lot (which is super disturbing and I regret it) now everyone thinks (including her) that I’m trying to hit on her and use the fact that she’s single now. I called her recently and I felt the resent towards me in her voice, like she’s already tired of me and I’m being very annoying…to highly sensitive people this is one of the worst feelings ever, also I started to have the awful borderline personality disorder symptoms. For some reason I treat and think of her as my girlfriend, like she’s obligated to talk to me every day and ask me to visit her work place…that’s how I was reminded of what are my biggest problems and made me do a little research and I found out that this madness has a name, the borderline personality disorder. For some reason I have completely forgot what it feels like to be obsessed about someone but now I’m reminded and I feel disgusted towards myself. I can only imagine how pathetic I must look around her and it really sucks balls that she and her friends took me the wrong way. In a way I was trying to be close to her, hoping she will be in my arms, smiling and waiting for a kiss again like it was on that special evening…but I realize I blew my chances and besides it’s gonna be impossible for me to make her happy, no one deserves such a horrible experience as being in a relationship with me. I’m now full of guilt, shame and regret. Perhaps all of these ‘positives’ vibes are the reason I can’t sleep properly these days. I deserve everything I’m getting now, for being who I am and doing things I’ve done. I look at her pictures everyday and think of that beautiful evening, unfortunately it’s gonna be left in the past, in my memories and she probably doesn’t even remember it but if she does’ she’s probably regrets about it.

Introduction, burning iceberg/frozen flame

I’m not very good at writing; in fact I suck pretty much at everything. I think of myself as a walking bag of issues. I’m a highly sensitive person, I have borderline personality disorder, social anxiety, I have little bit of OCD and ADD and I often think that I’m bipolar. I understand that everybody goes through some kind of stress in their lives and that other people might have bigger problems than me…honestly I don’t give a fuck, fuck those people! Fuck people who judge ( I do that sometimes too but then I get punished at night by my over thinking habit), fuck people who pretend to be nice, fuck overconfident people, fuck people who are shy, fuck people that like politics, fuck people that are into religion now that I think of it, fuck everybody! Myself included!! I’m sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone (maybe I did), so I have extreme mood swings(as you’ve already noticed), sometimes I wanna meet people but most of the times I hate people. It’s probably because of my social anxiety, every time I’m in public I feel like everybody’s staring at me, I always thought it was some teenage stuff and that it would eventually subside but it never truly did, in fact sometimes I feel like it’s gotten worse. Each pair of eyes feels like a burn and I start sweating and panicking and I keep telling myself “oh god why are people staring at me? Is it because I’m overweight? (at a time I was but even after I lost weight I felt the same way) is my hair messed up?” Sometimes I do feel ok when I’m in public, most of the time it’s when I’m drunk or in an extremely good mood, unfortunately both don’t last very long and don’t happen very often and sometimes are mutually exclusive. I feel like I’m the ugliest person in the world, the most weird too but at the same time I realize that I’m just an ordinary guy, nothing special at all. Other times I label myself very special because I’m pathetic and I want that pity but there’s just no one in my world that would fucking understand me so I only have myself, which is just not enough but sometimes can be overwhelming. My biggest fear and my biggest enemy are both- myself. I tend to over think stuff, stuff that other healthy normal people don’t even care about, don’t notice. I like to analyze my day right before going to sleep, every fucking time. Every time before going to sleep my brain’s like “Oh you wanna rest? Fuck that! Let’s go through all the fucked up shit that happened today. The mean stuff people said to you or you said to them.  The stupid awkward situations you put yourself or others to, about how it’s gonna haunt you for a couple of years until you do something more fucked up, which is gonna happen pretty soon by the way. I always feel lonely and sometimes I just wish I had a girlfriend, actually every guy wants that…but then I remember what it’s like for me to be in a relationship with someone. It’s fucking hell, both for me and for the unluckiest girl in the world who agreed to be in a relationship with me. Whenever I’m in a relationship (which is SUPER rare now) I tend to idealize (or even idolize) my partner and I cling very tightly to that person. Thinking she can understand me, support me and just always be there (which is literally ALWAYS) and of course eventually I get disappointed, always. Because I’m a selfish bastard, the very kind of people that I hate. It is part of the curse of having the borderline personality disorder, no one will ever be good enough for you and you’re never gonna be good enough for anyone as well. When people I’m really attached to stop messaging me or talking to me for whatever reasons (busy, not in the mood) I instantly take it the wrong way and think I must have done something terrible, or said something that hurt that, oh god what a pig I am. I’m super paranoid because I’m afraid to be left alone again but the truth is , I always felt alone and will always feel that way. Sometimes it’s good to be alone because I don’t wanna hurt other people and I don’t wanna hurt myself (well not emotionally at least). About hurting myself…whenever I’m in a relationship I get so paranoid, I get confused about what’s real and what’s not but when I hurt myself, it feels real, it even feels good in a twisted, fucked up way. Every time I cut myself a little, I feel alive and real for a second, I also wanna punish myself for what I am, for what I’ve done to others and myself as well. I thought self mutilation is a teenage thing as well but I might get back to it, if I get into a relationship (might not happen very soon though). It’s a truly terrible feeling to look search for love and comfort but at the same time to realize how easily it can be ruined by my paranoia. I just feel like there’s nobody that would able to take the pressure just being with me. Perhaps there are people that love me but I only feel it when I’m with them, when I see them or talk to them but as soon as they’re gone, all the warmth and comfort and positivity disappears as if it never actually existed and I feel alone again. I can’t open up to anyone because everyone will think that I’m looking for an attention (which I am sometimes) or I’m crazy (which I am most of the times). Especially in the place where I live, psychology is not developed at all and mental problems exist in only one kind: “crazy”. Like you’re either normal and healthy or you’re fuckin crazy, like straight jacket crazy. Like there’s nothing in between…which is fucking stupid, kinda like everything and everybody in my world. There are only two kind of people exist in my world, people who love me and people who hate me, there’s like nothing in between. I know and realize how stupid that is but I can’t change it. I can’t open up to anyone, I can’t show my true self to anyone because I know nobody can handle the real me, I get overwhelmed by me every day. There are people whom I have shown my true self but they’re all long gone and not coming back to my life, like ever .But I remember them and think about them every single night. I wish I could take back all the nasty things I’ve said to them, I wish I could explain them that I can’t control my crazy emotions but it’s too late and there’s just no point of regretting anything but I still do it. I like to think of myself as a highly sensitive person. I take things very personally, I often can feel the real mood of the person I talk to, I can feel the mood in a room I walked in to. I can feel when people resent me (though they always smile and try their best not to show it) sometimes I just imagine all this stuff with a great help of my paranoia and confidence issues. I create my own hell every day, roller coasters of pain and stress and let myself ride it for free, all day, every day. Sometimes I accidentally bring a person along for this horrible ride and feel like shit for it after. I hate the fact that it took me a while to realize how mentally troubled I am and that sometimes I have to isolate myself from others to prevent the history repeating itself and lose people that are close to me (very few and probably the last people that are gonna be around me). Sometimes it feels like I can have more fun on my own than in a group of friends or colleagues. Most of the times it feels like hell, because I remind myself of all the terrible things that I have done to others and myself. Whenever I feel abandoned (which is very often and super constant when I’m in a relationship) I get very angry, stressed and depressed with myself and the whole world. There’s just no way to calm down, I’m always on the edge, like I’m possessed or something. Because I realize how pathetic I am and that there’s never gonna be a person who would be there for me. There are people who tried, but it’s just not enough. It’s never enough. I can’t stress enough how small and little mistakes can fuck up my day, even if I’ll be in a really good mood. Whoever coined the phrase ‘it’s the little things” probably suffered from borderline personality disorder or/and was bipolar and a highly sensitive person. At the same time when other people do something good for us (us?) or help us even a little we notice it and don’t forget it and try to help in return. Because kindness and help are ultra rare in our worlds (why is it suddenly so many of ‘us’)? As a highly sensitive person I like music and art a lot. I can’t live without making some music or drawing something. I feel like I must be trying and creating something almost everyday. I feel like my day is wasted if I haven’t done something of that kind. I also appreciate young teenagers who are really good at drawing or playing instruments  I apologize for being so boring and for those who made it THIS far in the text I applause you and I’m very thankful you read this So all of this is just a terrible way of expressing myself, I wanna think that I’m not the only one who’s having so many mental issues. If you feel like me I feel sorry for you, but not in a mocking way. I hope you’ll find your happiness and find a way to deal with everything. When you do please teach me how…