Mr Brightside (or how I forgot about my bpd and then was reminded of it)

So I have a friend (a girl) I’ve known for many years and liked her ever since I saw her for the first time. Unfortunately I was dating another girl at that time (yeah I used to get so much action probably because I was kind of attractive in the past or at least I’d like to think so). So I’ve met her a couple of times and my best friend (not anymore) used to get impressed by her jugs every time, for some reason I didn’t pay attention to that back then (Well I DO NOW, yeah yeah I’m a pig) but I’m the kind of person that wouldn’t cheat on their girlfriend, even if the relationship is not good at all. I was an honest guy, if I would be in a similar situation now I’d definitely try to date as many girls as I possibly can ( call me a pig again, I’m a guy) but that’s just me dreaming. I probably can’t date more than 1 girl at the same time still, for a lot of reasons…let’s leave this pile for a different story.  I broke up with the girl I used to date after a year or so and completely forgot about her and lost all the feelings but my feelings for my friend remained the same. Her name is A. We used to meet every now and then, we still do (unfortunately for me). There was one time when were both single and got a little tipsy and we started hitting on each other which to me was very surprising because at that time I wasn’t in such a great shape (my weight was 120 kg) but I guess the looks never really mattered to her, perhaps she just thought of me as that attractive innocent little boy she met many years ago (though she knows a lot about me). So that very special evening (it is very special to me now but wasn’t then, I know I’m an idiot). We almost kissed, she was hugging me and I felt the urge to reach her lips and kiss them, I also felt my boner rising (a feeling I haven’t had for a long time then and now). I don’t know why but for some reason I wanted to kiss her and didn’t want it at the same time? It could because I know how much of a pain I am in relationships and I didn’t wanna lose her as a friend (I really, really like having her around). Besides we weren’t alone, there was a third guy (*cough* the third wheel). For some reason I can’t really be myself when I’m not alone with her, I’m done trying to figure it out why… Anyways I believe that was my last chance to kiss her and just have her in my arms…because sometime after that, she met another guy and dated him for a year. She would rarely talk to me or sometimes share some of the problems in their relationship. To be honest I didn’t feel jealous or anything but I did feel sad. I know I’m not the person to judge everyone but I just felt like he wasn’t worth her, at all. It probably seemed to her and everybody else who knew about the situation that I was trying to make her break up with him (which I totally wasn’t) Even with the problems they had, she was a lot happier with him than she would be with me (I’m not saying she would date me, that’s just my wishful thinking). Unfortunately (for whom?) They broke up recently and she’s going through that awful break up depression. I try to talk to her more often because I don’t wanna leave her on her own, to be honest we know a lot about each other and at the same time we’re complete strangers, it’s very hard to describe. I’ve been hanging out with her and her best friends, I tried to be closer to her but she kind of didn’t really want me. I’ve been messaging and calling her a lot (which is super disturbing and I regret it) now everyone thinks (including her) that I’m trying to hit on her and use the fact that she’s single now. I called her recently and I felt the resent towards me in her voice, like she’s already tired of me and I’m being very annoying…to highly sensitive people this is one of the worst feelings ever, also I started to have the awful borderline personality disorder symptoms. For some reason I treat and think of her as my girlfriend, like she’s obligated to talk to me every day and ask me to visit her work place…that’s how I was reminded of what are my biggest problems and made me do a little research and I found out that this madness has a name, the borderline personality disorder. For some reason I have completely forgot what it feels like to be obsessed about someone but now I’m reminded and I feel disgusted towards myself. I can only imagine how pathetic I must look around her and it really sucks balls that she and her friends took me the wrong way. In a way I was trying to be close to her, hoping she will be in my arms, smiling and waiting for a kiss again like it was on that special evening…but I realize I blew my chances and besides it’s gonna be impossible for me to make her happy, no one deserves such a horrible experience as being in a relationship with me. I’m now full of guilt, shame and regret. Perhaps all of these ‘positives’ vibes are the reason I can’t sleep properly these days. I deserve everything I’m getting now, for being who I am and doing things I’ve done. I look at her pictures everyday and think of that beautiful evening, unfortunately it’s gonna be left in the past, in my memories and she probably doesn’t even remember it but if she does’ she’s probably regrets about it.